No Retreat/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW This here is a two-man saw, and I'm only one man. See the problem? And I'm the kinda guy who'd rather figure out a way to do this by myself than to ask somebody for help and then owe them a favour where I've gotta lend 'em a tool or find a blind date for their sister. So I've come up with the red green one-man two-man saw. First of all, on the one handle, you wanna hook a couple of bungee cords, and then attach them to something fixed, not your cat. Then on the other handle, throw a hunk of chain on there. Now, you need a way to hook this chain onto one of your wheel nuts so that it won't slip off. See, no problem for the creative handyman. And that's pretty much all there is to it. Hey, if you have one of those non-slip deferentials, give me a call before you try this. I really enjoy a good laugh. And like so many good things in life, it's better if you start slow and then speed up later. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Yeah, appreciate that. Big schamozzle up at the lode this week. Harold brought a bunch of executive pencil necks up from that company he works for in the city. They've been stayin' at the lodge all week. They're like accountants, but without all the personality. Excuse me, uncle red. I have to talk to you. I gotta talk to you. Did the masseuse drop the cappuccino maker in to the spa? No, no, I just wondered. What is that smell coming from stinky peterson's cabin? Stinky peterson. Well, isn't that dangerous or toxic or something? Well, we monitor it pretty closely, harold. That's why we have the canaries hanging by the door there. Plus, you know, when he's not there, the smell is gone. Okay, okay, so it's not the cabin itself? No. No. I think the aroma's like a living organism that is using stinky as a host. Pbs should get him on nova. A lot of my guys are rather concerned. Well, of course they are, harold, because they are yuppie whiners. N-no! Don't even -- that's not fair. You know we don't even wanna be here either. It's just that this is the only resort that wasn't booked, and, you know, I thought you'd appreciate the money. I don't mind the money. I just don't want to have to do anything for it. Excellent. That's perfect. That's exactly what my boss was hoping you would say. Uncle red, on behalf of multi-corp international inc., I am authorized to extend to you a very generous cash offer for possum lodge, all its properties and buildings excluding vehicles and boats. What?! Yeah, they wanna turn this whole place into, like, a world class retreat, you know, for their corporate executives. It's great. It'll leave you enough money to retire on. Yeah, well, what'll I do? Nothin', just like now. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] and today's great prize is a brand new house... Roof shingle. And playing for today's great prize is the lucky contestant, mr. Winston rothschild of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Mr. Green, you have 30 sec -- cover your ears. You have 30 seconds to get mr. Rothschild to say this word... Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And go! All right, winston, this is a really bad thing. Leaky hip waders? No, no, no. Okay. Okay, when there's a flood, what do you call that? A chance to sell my boat. Say the lodge burns down, and I lose everything, what would that be for me? A fresh start. No, no, no. Okay, what do you think of when you think of hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes? Resort holiday! No, I'm talkin' about people hurt badly, thrown out on the street. Middle-aged guys trying to roller blade. The titanic hit that iceberg, right? They said that was the worst something of all time. Driving? Almost outta time, mr. Green. Winston, you remember you dated that aromatherapist? Oh, disaster. [ applause ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call if it ain't broke, you're not tryin'. Joinin' us today is local explosives enthusiast, edgar k. B. Montrose. What you got for us, edgar? Yeah, it is a beautiful day, but that's not why I'm here. I need you to fix my explosives locator. Oh, this thing finds explosives, edgar? Well, it will after you fix it. Yeah, all right. Yeah. It's a safety tool. It helps me find explosives that I might have left lying around, or maybe just fell out of my pocket when I was running away. Well, it can't be good to be losin' explosives, edgar. Oh, that's for sure, but I always lose 'em. The bunch of us were having a campfire cookout the other night, and, you know, in the dark, sticks of dynamite look a lot like kindling. That must've been quite a campfire. Oh, the dynamite got it goin' pretty fast. But it blew all our weenies out into the lake. I don't know much about electronics, edgar. Well, it's probably just an adjustment. You see, when you push this button here, this unit sends out a weak electrical signal uh-huh. That the explosive reacts to. Then the machine can sense that and find it for you. Well, there's a thing here, it's at one and a half, and the dial goes all the way to ten. How high do you want me to set that? Eleven. All right. Okay, there you go. You wanna give 'er a try? Well, let me just aim her down toward the boathouse. I think I might've dropped a few charges when I fell off the roof. But this'll help me find 'em. All right. Okay, here goes nothin'. I found 'em. Thanks, red. [ applause ] you know, I've been hauling this garbage can in and out of the driveway every week for the last 30 years. And I've always had to do it myself because cruel fate has denied us the blessing of having a teenager around the house. I'm thinking to myself, you know, there has to be a better way, a way of replacing wasted energy with innovation and engineering. And then it came to me. How about a mechanical hoist coming off the possum van that would do the work for me? If those scientist guys can make a canadarm, why can't I make a garbage canadarm? Here's what I figure you need... Some p.V.C. Pipe, couple of 45-degree elbows, heavy duty fishing rod, couple of desk lamps, couple of coat hooks, and a trumpet. Okay, so first thing you wanna do is cut the p.V.C. Pipe so you get an arm coming off the middle of the roof of the van, swinging out over the side. And then you glue the whole schamozzle together with this special p.V.C. Cement. ♪ eight miles high -- ♪ you really wanna have proper ventilation when you're working with the plastic cement. I could've lost a few brain cells there, I tell you. What year is this? Oh, well. Anyway, we got the arm part. Now we need to add the engineering to it. So what you wanna do first of all is duct tape the coat hooks to the ends of the desk lamps, like I've done here. And this is in keeping with nasau's specifications. These hooks are designed to engage the handles of the garbage can, even in a zero-gravity situation. Mind you, if we get zero gravity here on earth, I'm not sure taking out the garbage would be a top priority. Anyway, then what you do is you duct tape the desk lamps themselves to the ends of the pipe. And make sure you hook up the lamp parts, eh. That way you'll be able to see at night because there's certain kinds of garbage you really only wanna take out after dark. Now we need something that will separate the desk lamps out and also serve as a guide for our fishing line. Now, that's where the trumpet comes in. We don't need the whole thing, just the loud part. Okay, there's our guide mounted in place, and now all we have to do is run the fishing lines up from the reel, up through the pipe, out through the bell of the trumpet, and then hook one onto each of these desk lamps. That way, we can kind of control the opening and closing of our claw. Now all we gotta do is take this unit and mount it onto the roof of the van. Boy, if only we had some kind of rotating mount that would give us some flexibility so that we could sort of swing the arm around -- oh, there we go. Okay, there's our 360° floating mount, and I've mounted the fishing reel onto there with the lines running down to the desk lamps. So we're pretty well ready to go. Oh, I almost forgot. Mount the unit on there loosely so that you can raise the arm up and down just by leaning on the handle. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now let's try out our garbage canadarm. When you're talking wasted space, think of me. I read an article in a magazine about what men can expect from their bodies at the age of 45. Apparently not much. About now, our bodies are like our tires... Bald, soft, and leaky. Most of us have put on a fair amount of weight. We're even kind of a different shape than we used to be. Sometimes you look at your shadow and you gotta move something just to make sure it's you. Now, you're gonna be under a lot of pressure to get fit, but I say, don't be doing that. This is not the time to go out for a ten-mile run followed by two hours of weight lifting. That train left many years ago, and, buddy, you weren't on it. You were in the departure lounge eating fries and gravy. So I say just relax. Don't panic. Yeah, sure, your body's gettin' bigger while your brain's gettin' smaller, but the two of them have gotten along for almost half a century by not expecting too much of each other. Don't wreck it. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Now, men, I don't even wanna waste your time with this one, but you're lodge members, and unfortunately, it's a democracy, so you get to vote on this, even though we all know this one's going down the dumper. It's just a question of how hard it's gonna hit. Harold. Well, thank you for that impartial introduction, uncle red. Well, maybe you've heard, but multi-corp has made a very generous offer to purchase possum lodge and all its buildings and properties. It's a cash offer with only a couple conditions... The deal's set to close in, like, 30 days, right; and even after all the back taxes, environmental costs have been paid, each lodge member can walk away with over $25,000! All in favour. Wait. Wait. Wait. Put the hands down. Put 'em down. Put the hands down. Put 'em down. I'm the lodge leader, harold. I'm the only one who can call for a vote. I'm sorry. Yes, you're absolutely -- he's right. Okay, you go ahead and call for the vote. I will. In a minute. In a minute. Put 'em down. Why don't you tell 'em about those conditions first? Oh, okay, well, the deal can't close until that tire fire is put out in the north end of the property. That thing's been burnin' since, like -- I dunno when. That's a landmark, harold. Are you asking us to turn our backs on our heritage? Well, if your heritage is black smoke and toxic fumes, yes. All right. Tell 'em about the other condition. Tell 'em. Well, this one's kinda obvious, but since multi-corp is actually purchasing the land and doing all the renovations, they're going to turn this place into a retreat for their corporate executives from all over the world. So it won't be open to the public. Yeah, but the public never comes here anyway. Yeah, but that's because it doesn't want to, not because it can't. Let's get it all out here, harold, eh. Will any of us be able to go to this fancy new place? Ha! No! Well, no, I shouldn't say that. Unless, of course, you're hired to be an executive at multi-corp, and I'm takin' a guess here that that's a long shot. All right, guys. So there you have it. They wanna take over the lodge, yuppie it up like there's no tomorrow, erase everything we've ever done here, and on top of that, they expect us to put out the tire fire when we're barely halfway through the pile. Boo. Boo. Boo. Absolutely. I mean, who can believe it? And all this for a lousy 25 grand a piece. I mean, is anybody in favour? Oh, oh, red green. Perfect timing. I'm just about to show my new educational film. That's the kind of day I've been having. Hey, I hope these films are helping out with your show. I hear they're very popular with people who don't watch television. Yeah, I suppose that's true. Why don't you get a professional animator, gord? You know, even a clever six-year-old would help on these things. Oh, no. No, no, it's much better if I do all the drawings, all the voices. One voice, one vision. One brain cell. This particular one is all about tree species, types of trees. You know the old expression, you can't see the forest for the types of trees. That's not quite right, you know? Doesn't matter. Oh. Acorn? Uh, not right now, but maybe I'll stuff my cheeks before I go. Suit yourself. Okay, here we go. Shh! [ ♪ ] hi, everyone. Tapping trees takes a lot of patience and talent. That is correct, red. A telephone pole is still a tree, you know? Just because it has no leaves or bark and grows next to a road doesn't mean it isn't a tree. Wow, really? I didn't know that telephone poles were a species of tree. Well, they aren't, harold, and telephone poles do not grow next to roads. Well, not until you plant them there they don't. Dig a hole, red. Harold, I want you to plant this cell phone. Now, boys, let us celebrate the birth of this new tree with a drink! Ah, yucky. Yuck, this isn't maple sap. Of course not. Maple sap comes from a maple tree. Oh, gord, what kind of liquid comes out of a telephone pole? Nitro glycerine. Nitro glycerine? Nitro glycerine! Yep. Oh, yeah. You learn something new every day. Until you drink nitro glycerine, that is. Ha ha ha ha. [ applause ] oh, hey. Oh, right, uh, welcome to mike's teen talk. A lot of you teens are trying to get a tough reputation for yourselves by packing weapons, right, even if you can only afford a dill pickle that's sharpened at one end and wrapped in tinfoil. Well, I got a tip for you guys about the most sophisticated weapon you can pack, and it won't even cost you a cent. I'm talking about stupidity. People think you're an idiot, your life gets a whole lot simpler. The teachers don't pay any attention to you. Nobody borrows your notes. Even your parents will back off a little, right. But, I mean, if you're a brainer, you got no life at all. They want you to answer all their questions, and they want you cure diseases, and they want you to invent stuff, like the weightless potato. You're way better off with a room temperature I.Q. Especially when something goes wrong and someone shouts, all right, who's the smart guy? You don't want 'em pointing at you, right? I mean, even in prison -- even in prison, they keep the smart ones in way longer. They let the dumb ones out earlier because they're just idiots, right, and they'll have no trouble fitting back into society. So stay stupid. You'll get a lot more privacy, you'll get really easy jobs, and nobody'll mind if you watch jerry springer. Oh, that's it. [ applause ] oh, man. Well, the fire's out. Put a lot of water on 'er, I'll tell you. More than we needed, I'd say. Well, you know me. I'd rather err on the side of safety. Where'd you get the fire bombers? Oh, that was a brainwave, eh? I called up the air rescue. I told 'em we had a tire fire completely out of control. They sure responded with a lot of fire power. Yeah, well, I may have mentioned something about p.C.B.S but, hey, the fire's out. That's the main thing. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no! That's not the main thing. No, the main thing is that all that water couldn't race back into the lake. Somebody dropped a cord of wood in the run-off ditch. Son of a gun! Yeah, well, it just raced down to the lodge and flooded the main dining room. Yeah, and then because it was possum lake water, it dissolved all the main support beams. That building went down like moose thompson on roller skates. It's a shame too. 'cause that building was perfect for seminars. It's one of the main reasons that multi-corp wanted to buy the lodge. Yeah, I'm really upset about it. Yeah, well, now the deal's off. It's a setback, harold. Don't say that. You're happy about it. I'm not happy, I just adapt well to life. Don't give me that. You didn't even wanna sell the lodge. I know where you're going with this, but I had nothing to do with flooding that building. I know. I did. Yeah. You did? Yeah, 'cause I know there's going to be a multi-corp around every corner. You'll be able to sell this lodge whenever you want. Holy cow, you really are my nephew. And you know, harold, when you think about it, if I didn't have the lodge, I'd get bored. I'd end up coming down to the city and hanging out with you. Yeah, I know. That's why I did it. [ possum squealing ] it's meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Nothing special to report. Put out a couple of fires, lost 25 grand, and coming home with wet pants. Pretty average day. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and especially harold and whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com everybody sit down. Everybody sit down. You gotta sit down now. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, bow your heads. Join me in the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, you gotta put away the travel brochures, the riding lawn mower catalogues, 'cause the deal's off. I know I owe you a reasonable explanation. Okay, it started out as a good idea. Things got goofier and goofier, next thing you know, we get nothing. Everyone: Oh, okay. Closed captioning provided by